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I Don’t Want to Abandon Myself Ever Again

When I read this today it stopped me in my tracks. It was posted in our Reclamation group where we’ve been having deep discussions about feeling our feelings and the places we numb.

Ellenkate wrote, “Today I had the thought, ‘When I numb, I abandon myself.’ Followed by, ‘But I have to abandon myself sometimes, to get through my day.’ I want to show up in the world in a way that I don’t have to abandon myself. Ever again.”


I’ve had lots of people ask me how my year of sobriety is going (not only sobriety from alcohol, but also from overwork + overconsumption of other’s creativity at the expense of my own) — and I keep saying, “It’s going okay.” I’m having no issues with the actual not drinking part or really even the actual not overworking part — but meeting myself in that space of barrenness as been rather eye-opening.

I’ve been journaling up a storm about exactly WHY I was/am so reliant on my numb-ers of choice. I mean really… My life is beautiful. I know I have gifts to offer. I worked my ass off to get to a place where I get paid to do my good work. I am certain I am loved. I am grateful.

I know all of this to be true. And yet, there are still some deeply ingrained ways that I have been abandoning myself, that I have been avoiding my own purpose, that I have been checking out of my own life.

My conclusions are works-in-progress. I don’t know exactly WHY yet…

But I know I agree with Ellenkate. I, too, want to show up in the world in a way that I don’t have to abandon myself ever again.

And knowing me, that’s probably going to mean lots of nakedness + saying inappropriate things at inappropriate times + loving the shit out of pretty much everyone in my orbit + rebelling against external power plays + letting my curiosity run rampant. It’s going to mean following my whims + hugging strangers with the strength of a thousand suns + avoiding situations where I have to drive in traffic + doing my best to be a kind human + continuing to believe in my big dreams, but having patience with the timing.

It’s definitely tending to my own care + showing the fuck up for my own life.

Any of this strike a chord with you, love? 

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