Choosing Instinct over Logic

Last month, I launched my 6th year of my Elevate Mastermind Group to a waitlist of over 400 women. I posted about it on social media. I read beautiful applications, made acceptance calls and watched deposits roll in.

Three days later, I woke up feeling like shit. Like super sick, but beyond that — there was pit of dread lodged in my stomach that I couldn’t ignore and burning tears behind my eyes.

Something was wrong, and as much as I didn’t want to admit it — I was pretty sure I knew what it was.

I couldn’t do Elevate in 2018.

Don’t get me wrong — I LOVE Elevate. I’ve spent 5 years leading one amazing group of women after another through a year of radical transformation. Elevate was the program that made Stratejoy financially sustainable and justified (to myself) that I was meant to work while raising tiny humans.

It allowed me to to do all my favorite things in one container — gather awesome ladies, lead retreats, facilitate group work, coach individuals and witness real fucking change.

I used to joke that I would run Elevate from now until forever…

But if I’m telling the whole truth, I’d been having inklings of doubt for the last 6 months about continuing Elevate. And when I look back, there were two clear hits of intuition that I straight up shoved under the rug, in favor of being “logical.”

First Hit of Intuition:

As I dove into my first year of leading Reclamation, I was getting pretty clear signals that this was the way I could make the most impact with my work. Dreams of big stages, mentors of mine telling me they’ve been waiting for me to own my message in this way, my total adoration of this year’s group + their growth…

This was direction that my work was headed.

Deep in my heart, I knew that serving more women at a more accessible price equaled more radical transformation out in the world.

That said? I was scared. I didn’t feel ready to go all in on Reclamation. It was still an unknown.

Elevate was my trusted darling. Elevate was a sure bet.

So despite the clear signals that I knew the next evolution of my work, I kept telling myself it made sense to run both Reclamation and Elevate again in 2018.

Second Hit of Intuition:

I was gathered with a small group of my coaching colleagues on a mastermind call and they asked me what I was craving next year.

I immediately answered “Spaciousness.”

Then I quickly followed up with, “But that’s just going to have to wait until 2019 because I’ve signed myself up for even more work insanity next year! I better answer hustle instead ‘cause I’ve got Elevate! Summer Camp! Reclamation! 3 Councils!”

(Insert slightly crazed laughter here…)

Being the perceptive coach friends that they are — they totally called me out. And when they dug, I admitted I wasn’t sure if I had another year of Elevate in me.

And then I immediately backpedaled, “But I already launched it! It’s public! I took deposits! If I give this up, I’m not sure I can pay my mortgage! Women are already applying and having hard conversations with their partners about money and counting on me! I can’t back out!”

And underneath those vocal protests were the worries about who would I be if I wasn’t a coach who sold out a 5 figure mastermind every year? Who would I be if I admitted I had made a mistake? Who would I be if I didn’t have this group of women who depended on me?

The battle between my ego + safety and my intuition + desires had become crystal clear.

I got off that phone call in tears, but with a growing awareness of what I had to do.

The Awakening

I understood 2 things at once.

1. Yes, logically (security-wise, money-wise, ego-wise) I should do Elevate again.
2. And yet, if I was truly trusting my intuition, I needed to cancel Elevate.

You know what sealed the deal?

I turned to my vision board for this year and was reminded of this quote —

“Every next level of your life will demand a different version of you.”

During Holiday Council last year, I had declared my word of the year to be Evolve. So if Evolve was the answer to this question…

Well, fuck.

I needed to step forward into the unknown. I needed to trust my own evolution.

And when I thought about the women who were already gathering, who were making giant investments of time and money to be part of Elevate — I realized it wasn’t fair to them. I wasn’t 100% in and that was out of integrity.

That hit me.

I had moved forward on logic, but I couldn’t be in integrity with myself on logic alone.

So I crunched numbers with my husband. I grieved. I was super kind to my tender heart. I offered myself forgiveness for making the wrong decision. I reminded myself that the world is messy and we all make mistakes.

Then I took a chance on my own evolution, and cancelled Elevate.

I called my Team. I refunded the deposits after long conversations about how walking my talk isn’t always clean or graceful or without failure. I talked to every single woman who had already applied. I explained the situation to my Elevate alumni.

And now, a month later, I’m feeling strong about my decision.

Chagrined and embarrassed about the way it went down (why oh why couldn’t I have been listened to my intuition before I launched?!) — but still strong.

Scared about the unknown, but also extremely excited to see what going all in on Reclamation will bring.

Nervous about missing Elevate, but strong in the knowledge that this decision doesn’t have to be forever — it’s just for now.

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I know you might be wondering — why did I share this story with you? Why show the behind-the-scenes vulnerability and weakness of my life + my business, when I could have just swept it under the rug?

Why? Because telling the unfiltered truth is what I do here.

It’s part of the “messy world” piece of our Stratejoy mission to Reclaim Joy + Meaning in this Messy World.

And I’m committed to sharing it all.