12 Rules of Inner Confidence
[This post is part of the curriculum for the digital, self-paced Fierce Love Course for women who to want to cultivate a strong sense of self-worth, inner resilience, and delicious kindness for themselves.]
WANT TO RULE YOUR WORLD?
Life gets easier when you genuinely feel an inner confidence. Not cocky self-absorption or a fake-it-til-you-make-it attitude, but true comfort in your skin, radiant openness with others, and an understanding of your uniqueness.
You are amazing, babe! It’s time for you to own it.
In my coaching practice, I’ve found a lack of trust and self-confidence can distract even the most vibrant woman from truly enjoying her life. And I want you to enjoy your life! We are made for celebrating! And laughter! And soul level clarity! And feeling damn good about our abilities and ourselves.
Inner confidence is a gift that plays out in so many ways. And best of all? It’s something you control.
So what are the secrets to Owning Your Amazing? Read on, woman, read on. I’ve got 12 rules for you to try on for size.
12 RULES FOR INNER CONFIDENCE
#1 PRACTICE POSITIVITY
Do you think of hope as a combination of crossing your fingers, looking at the world through rose-colored glasses, and sending your wishes out into to the Universe? I used to… and then I found out that hope is something we can all practice; it’s something we could learn to use. Hope is a positive thought process (not an emotion) that boosts your self-confidence.
Hope helps you to keep putting in the hard work, even in the face of adversity, because we believe we are deserving of good things. Optimism makes it easier to get up, brush ourselves off, and start again with even more determination because we believe we are capable.
Practicing your positive outlook reinforces your sense of personal power. You are powerful, gorgeous. You can create change in your world. You can accomplish your sparkly or wild or daring dreams.
Positivity is not naive — it’s a sign of strength. Practice it in your self-talk, the way you share with others, your assumptions about the future, and by graciously accepting compliments.
#2 CONCENTRATE ON STRENGTHS
You are blessed with strengths. When explored and nurtured, they can be used to achieve inner confidence and activate your Amazing. Expression of our strengths makes us feel like our real selves. It invigorates us! It excites us! It makes us crave more ways to use those strengths!
And concentrating on our strengths is so much more fun than trying to force ourselves to become better at things we usually suck at, right?
A strength may come naturally to us, but we do need to make the choice to use it. Even if we are naturally creative, or brave, or diligent, or playful, or fair, we must still craft our lives so we get the chance to express our signature strengths on a daily basis.
We can absolutely find ways to use our strengths in work, love, play, and parenting when we are conscious of them. It’s just a matter of clarity and activation.
Turn it ON, hot stuff!
#3 STEP INTO YOUR PERSONAL POWER
Personal power is not about using force or manipulation to overcome, but rather, it’s about realizing our natural state of goodness. It’s about trusting our worth. It’s about harnessing our energy and confidence to make a positive difference in the world by simply being ourselves.
The incredible thing? You are already immensely powerful.
Perhaps you don’t feel it yet. Perhaps your natural radiance is muddied up with years of bottling your own opinions, of trying not to offend, of working desperately to shore up your “weaknesses” instead of expanding your innate talents.
But let me say this again: You are already immensely powerful.
When we believe we are good at a core level, it becomes more comfortable to function in this crazy, stressful world. We know how to treat others. We know how to treat ourselves. We know how to weed out the bullshit and return to the pure basics of the “good life”.
#4 STOP COMPARISONS
When you’re on a quest to rev up your confidence and Amazing, indulging in the comparison game and allowing it to fill you with envy is one of the worst things to do.
When you look at someones life and wish you had their cash flow, or partner, or adorable house, or amazing talent to seduce bartenders, there are two things that can happen:
1) You feel worse about your own life and resentful towards that person. You assume they have their shit together and you don’t. You get envious. Your successes seem to pale in comparison. You spiral into jealousy and a feeling of hopelessness. Why don’t you have what they have? You’re more deserving! It’s not fair!
2) You feel inspired. You think that it’s awesome that they have “that” in their lives. You take a moment to consider if it’s something you want in your own life. Does it fit into your definition of success? It does! You realize that if they can do it, so can you! You study. You plot. You start taking action. The dream stays alive and vibrant in your mind, because you know someone who has it/has done it!
The action is the same — comparing yourself to someone else. The reaction is the moment of choice — will this harm or help you? Most often, we have no clue how to use comparison to inspire us. In that case, it’s time to stop the comparisons.
#5 SPEAK UP
How often do you answer questions with “I don’t care” or “You decide” or “Whatever you think”? If you find yourself continually passing the ownership on decisions, you are telling your inner self that YOU don’t matter. You are sending a signal that your opinions or preferences don’t need to be stated.
I’m not saying you can’t express love or compromise by letting some- one in your world decide where you eat tonight or the proper format to present the big idea to the boss, but I am saying if it’s a habit, you are losing chances to build your confidence.
You’re a person. You have an opinion. And your opinion matters. You won’t always get your way (and you shouldn’t!) but you should know where you stand on things and be able to share that with others.
Speaking up is an easy way to practice fully inhabiting your life. Pick the movie this weekend. Choose the flavor of ice cream. Make the choice of what to do for girls’ night.
You’ve got this, babe!
#6 DO THINGS YOUR WAY
You, just as you are, are incredible. You, with all your freak flags flying or quirks on full display or idiosyncrasies rockin’, are perfect. In a tiny frame or with lush curves. With straight A’s or working hard to scrape by. When you tip your barista or when you turn down a party invitation. No matter! You in full force is what the world needs.
I don’t want you to let the notion of being nice or being liked or being popular hold you back from being You. Ditch the masks! Stop hiding behind others ideas of who you should be! Do things your own way and your inner confidence will soar.
Yes, there are a million photographers and bloggers and teachers and lawyers and artists and service reps out there. There are continents full of mothers and daughters and lovers and wives. Streets packed with dancers and letter writers and pie bakers.
But there is only one YOU.
You make a gorgeous impression in this world. Gifts and flaws, moments of grace and gutter balls, triumphs and let-downs. Really getting this concept can rock you to the core.
Talk about owning your Amazing!
#7 DITCH DOUBT
What might happen if you took away your fear of failure, your anxiety about making the wrong decision, or your self-doubt? Can you imagine what beautiful adventures you’d have? What kind of art you’d create? The positions you’d run for? How quickly you’d quit your mind-numbing job and find your real purpose? The difference you’d make?
The amount of brilliance you could put into the world blows my mind! You are capable of so many magical things right this moment, sugar.
We each need to learn how to face our fears and trust our choices. It’s not about eliminating your fear; it’s about recognizing that it’s present, understanding that it won’t kill you, and taking the big step/ chasing the brilliant dream/stretching what you think is possible anyway. It’s about beginning before you think you’re totally ready, when the idea is still tender and precious. It’s about stretching our capacity for uncertainty.
Clarity and knowledge come from action, not ruminating on doubts or unknowns. The only way to really know what is possible and how much you’re actually capable of is to just start DOING.
It’s time to stop doubting yourself and your desires. It’s time to DO. Eat those fears for breakfast, baby!
#8 LET THINGS LIGHT YOU UP
As adults, we tend to shy on the side of underwhelm. It’s not cool to be excited about the Sting concert or new neighbors or the fact that your grocery store is finally carrying sesame butter. It’s not hip to dance around in celebration of your new client. We bottle our emotions or only share complaints because it’s so much more acceptable to be critical or sarcastic or blasé.
Allowing yourself to go gaga for a new recipe, an amazing line in your novel, a new crush, or your brand new website feeds your childlike soul. Showing enthusiasm towards anything is a gift to you — a way to guarantee that you won’t fall into a too-cool-for-school slump of apathy.
Let things light you up! Share your passion! When you get excited about the little things in life, you’re reminding yourself that your delight is important.
And any reminder that YOU are important fuels your inner confidence.
#9 IGNORE THE HATERS
When you are living your life on your own terms, you’re going to have haters. By challenging your life’s status quo, you’re going to make others feel uncomfortable because they see your change, your sparkle, and your bravery as a direct judgment on the choice they are making to stay small, unhappy, or unhealthy.
Vocal haters will speak up and question your declarations, call you names, make a big fuss about the choices you are making in your personal life. Sneaky haters will try to sabotage your efforts, question your motivation, and smile to your face while whispering behind your back.
None of this “hate” is about you. It’s about how your choice to make deliberate decisions, to stretch, to declare that you are enough just as you are, and to own your Amazing is making them feel about themselves. Your haters are feeling threatened, scared, bewildered, or self-righteous. They’re lashing out at you because they’re not sure how to address the inconsistencies or lack in their own life.
That’s not on you, honey, that’s on them.
Your job? Ignore the haters. Feel empathy, or pity, or amusement — but do not let them get under your skin. It’s not your duty to please others; it’s your duty to honor yourself in whatever way feels authentic.
#10 GIVE WEIGHT TO INTEGRITY
Integrity. Wholeness. Honor.
Big words, eh? With them comes big responsibility. Building our inner confidence requires us to take accountability for our actions and reactions. When you stand up in your life and declare your intention to live fully, love hard, lead responsibly, honor your joy, you’re also declaring your intention to take responsibility for your choices.
It may not always feel this way, but we always have choice.
Choices to wake up with a positive attitude. Choices to be generous with our love. Choices with how we live our lives and what we stand for. Choices to follow through with our word. Choices in how we treat others. Choices in how we treat ourselves.
Truly realizing our ability to choose and honor our integrity helps us claim freedom in our dreams, our actions, and our quest to live intentional lives. Give weight to your word and your actions, lovely. The effort is worth the self-respect it creates.
#11 MAKE ROOM FOR OTHERS’ AMAZING
When you are gorgeously confidant in your own gifts and ways of expressing yourself in this world, you can celebrate the awesomeness of everyone around you without feeling threatened or lacking. You can cheer your competitors on! You can celebrate the wins of your colleagues! You can have genuine admiration for the brilliant ideas of your gal pals! You can appreciate the genius of your partner!
The flip-side of that statement is true as well. When you celebrate others’ Amazing, you are sending hints — little love bombs of inspiration — to your psyche. When you appreciate someone’s compassion, spunk, or productivity, you’ll discover compassion, spunk and productivity in your own life.
What we notice and celebrate in others will show up more often in our own world…
Build your belief in abundance, the power of support, and the beauty of individuality by truly treasuring the amazing people in your life.
I’m betting it will come back to you in bold, beautiful ways.
#12 SHARE YOUR GIFTS
Looking for a mega dose of confidence-building juice? Share your gifts. Use your talents to give back to your community. Start a side hustle that allows you to offer your strengths to people who need them. Give out and give generously with your time, energy, and talent.
The world needs you to bring your Amazing to the table.
Removing the “me” from our concerns and interest for a bit (whether it’s for an hour, day, or week) fuels our soul and sense of connection in a miraculous way. By sharing our gifts, we are confirming the fact that we have something worthwhile to contribute, that we make a difference, and that our presence is appreciated. All of which is juicy proof for building our inner confidence.
Putting ourselves out there by helping a neighbor, volunteering for a cause we care about, teaching a child how to do something we love, or starting a business honoring our true calling is good for us and good for the world. Win-win!
Are you Ready to Own your Amazing?
Ready to rock your inner confidence? Ready to step out into this big, brilliant world of ours armed with Fierce Love and an electrifying sense of self? I’m ready to witness the fireworks, shifts in the Universe, and wild dance parties that will undoubtedly happen because…
YOU ARE READY.
Own it babe!
Molly Mahar is a coach, speaker, and writer. She is also the founder of Stratejoy, a positive corner of the Internet that provides thousands of women the tools, strategies and camaraderie to lead authentically joyful lives. She empowers women to live life on their own terms, celebrate their worth, and change the world through individual fulfillment. Molly’s work is delivered through several live and digital group programs, focused on creating YOUR joyful world.
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