I just spent the morning reading through all of my posts and I am in awe. I remember when I started my Stratejoy season I felt like big things were on the way; like I was standing on the edge of a huge cliff and all I had to too was take one step and my life would never be the same. Who knew so much could happen in 6 months?
Wow. These past six months. Wow. There was no way I could fathom the changes coming when I started writing. I got happiness, bold love, and a husband (with a Baby on the way!). I’m so very grateful I got to share it here. Every single comment and encouragement kept me calm through the chaos; thank you, thank you, thank you.
Fact: I am not in control of most things that go on in my life. Most plans don’t go “according to plan”. Most relationships go through rough patches because, you know, other people are involved. Life gets messy and complicated. For the rest of my life, I will be reacting to the unexpected things life throw my way.
Since I started writing here my life has gone through some changes. Understatement? There have been some leaps of faith required to hold my shit together; this is a fact. The residual effect of all this change is this overwhelming feeling that I have the power within me to change whatever I want to get to the life I dream of.
Today I find out if Baby A is a boy or a girl. My life has never stood to be so drastically influenced by a single moment. Boy or Girl. This is it.
One of the significant benefits I get from blogging boldly is the ability to look back and clearly be able to see where I’ve been. My blog marks my life completely. It also keeps me accountable for better or for worse. There is a record of every New Year Resolution, Birthday Dream, or Life List I’ve made since I started blogging almost 4 years ago.
I’m getting married tomorrow. Married. I am equal parts excited and pumped with a nice streak of freaking-completely-out thrown in there for good measure. Completely normal, right?
As part of the wonderful Molly’s Joy Juice [Beta] I’ve been receiving some pretty phenomenal journaling prompts in my inbox every week. I have really relished the opportunity to spend some quiet, reflective, me-time these past weeks and I wanted to share an little epiphany I had during the process.
Dear Baby A, You’re going to have a magical childhood; protected and save from all the things that make children grow up too fast. Lucky for you, your Dad is a teacher and gets summers off. You two are going to have the best summers exploring and playing together. You are going to be the only kid in our group of friends; you’re going to have a ton of “Aunts” and “Uncles” who are going to completely fall in love with you. Love, Mama
When I told my best friend that I was pregnant she yelled “CONGRATULATIONS!!!” I yelled back “ARE YOU INSANE? WHAT KIND OF RESPONSE IS THAT?!” Celebrating did not feel right. Terror felt right.
When I started writing for Stratejoy, I knew there would be big things happening. But I didn’t think for one second that they’d be this big; this life-changing; this amazing! I’m engaged. No, for real!
How’s your heart today? There is a cardiologist in California who asks this question to his patients at every appointment. It appears to be a pretty standard question, but it is actually a super personal question if you think about it.
I skip home and do the thing that I actually LOVE to do; I write. The internet is full of freelancing independent rockstars, and lately I have been wondering if I could/should do that with my life too. If writing is what I love to do, should I be pursuing all possible roads to making this my career?
Soon after I started dating Mr. A, my Grams asked me how a new love interest was going to affect my writing for Stratejoy. I was supposed to be in crisis and not in love, right?! What was I going to write about if I was so happy all the time? I think there is a misconception out there that a relationship will somehow cure a quarterlife crisis. I have friends who have said that they felt like everything would…
It’s not that shocking that I have fallen in love with Mr. A as quickly as I have. It should also not a surprise that there are some people who have raised their eyebrows at how quickly I’ve jumped in. I get it. If the roles were reversed, I would be weary too. I would caution them to go slowly…. I get it. But I have to trust myself. I can’t let someone else’s fear scare me into not trusting my heart on this one.
Oh, the thrill of a new relationship; constant butterflies and nerves. Then, in the whirlwind and excitement, you discover he spent an early Sunday morning reading through 6 months of your blog archives. Well, crap. Hi new boy, allow me to introduce you to every feeling I’ve had in the past 2 years. Sigh.
Last week was The Loneliness… this week it is butterflies and boldness. A whirlwind story lifted out of some sort of movie; the kind of movie that makes people roll their eyes from the sappy-romantic-mess. It feels like a story that’s been told before: boy and girl meet and months go by until one night something clicks. Sparks that light a would-be-normal-night on fire. Cue the montage of flowers, kisses, cuddles, and declarations of “intense feelings”. Suddenly, I find myself 48 hours into this; dizzy and out of breath. It’s too early to tell you much, but in the spirit of Stratejoy and sharing my story with you all– I am going to tell you that I am smitten. Hardcore smitten.
Lately, I would describe my energy as manic. That’s what happens when this girl, generally energetic and joyful, tries to fake happiness. My energy become frantic, anxious, insecure, and disconnected. No. There is no fun in manic energy. While I wish the culprit could be something external like “working too much” or “not enough sleep, too much coffee” I have to admit that’s not what’s going on here. Instead I need to come clean about something; I am not a huge fan of myself right now. I have been increasingly lonely and less comfortable in my own skin. The last thing I’ve wanted to do this week is sit with myself and think about what was going on with my heart. I have been completely and frantically avoiding myself.
I would never describe myself as ballsy. I have a job that I like because it’s easy, not because it’s challenging, and I would never claim it’s my passion. The big life decisions I have made have always felt too easy. I applied to one PhD program, got in and went. I interviewed for one job, got it and moved two weeks later. I am incredibly grateful for it all, believe me, but it feels a whole lot like lucky breaks and less like I own my life. I want to know I deserve this amazing life I live because of risks I took. I want to set my life on fire and reclaim ownership of it.