Who knew so much could happen in 6 months? I just spent the morning reading through all of my posts and I am in awe. I remember when I started my Stratejoy season I felt like big things were on the way; like I was standing on the edge of a huge cliff and all I had to too was take one step and my life would never be the same. My goal was to figure out what I would be defined by. I had spent so much time being defined by things I didn’t have a choice in, the heartbreak, the parents with addictions, the family illnesses. I wanted to chose what would define me.
Up until five months ago, I would have never described myself as ballsy. I liked my life, my job, my friends… but something felt hollow in it all. I felt really lucky to have the things I did, but feeling like I had everything because of lucky breaks left me feeling uneasy; I didn’t feel like I had ownership of my life. I wrote “I want to know I deserve this amazing life I live because of risks I took. I want to set my life on fire and reclaim ownership of it.”
A week after I wrote about a weekend I cried putting on a duvet cover by myself because I felt so overwhelmingly lonely, everything changed. I went to a friends house and something clicked with this guy I had known for a few months. I was scared but I wanted to live my life boldly right? Boldness didn’t mean being reckless with my heart, it meant taking the risk and opening my heart up. Being open to the big feelings; it doesn’t get much bolder than that.
From there I learned to trust myself and I fell hard and fast. Trust in myself was a good skill to have because somewhere in that time period I got pregnant. It would be a couple of weeks before I found out, but it was done. The first few weeks of my relationship with Mr. A I learned that being in love wasn’t a cure-all for all the insecurities and baggage I carried. Instead of being cured I became hyper-aware that all my relational bad habits could seriously hurt my new relationship if I did not work on solving them. As much joy as Mr. A bring into my life, I am always going to be responsible for my own happiness. I still have to learn to face confrontation and ask for what I want (strangely husbands are REALLY bad at reading minds). I am a work in progress and I am learning the fierce self-love involves heaps of forgiveness and grace for myself.
My season of Stratejoy will always be the season I found out I was pregnant, but my pregnancy does not define me. Meeting my husband and getting pregnant were simply life events (granted, they sure happened quickly but sometimes that’s how it goes). My story is so much more complex than just a bullet list of “things that have happened to me” in the past six months. What defines me is how I responded to the life events that have come my way.
I wasn’t expecting to find my husband in these six months, but I responded boldly. I faced some fears, trusted myself, and found a soul that is so complimentary to my own that I am in a state of constant awe. There are things I learn every day about him or us that make me feel so lucky, but there is no doubt that I (and we) completely own our relationship and our marriage.
I wasn’t expecting to get pregnant during my six months here, but I responded boldly. I drove to Mr. A’s house the night I took my pregnancy test and I was so scared. It took us all of a few hours to decide that we loved each other and we were going to do this; and we haven’t looked back. No regrets. No beating myself up for totally messing up my birth control regimen. Mr. A. and I made the decision, grabbed each others hands, and started moving forward. I am so proud of the way he and I have navigated the past six months together. We’ve done it together.
I have never been more happy than I am right now. I have never felt more ownership of my life. I am bold and fearless, and I know that being part of Stratejoy was a huge source of courage for me. Watching the rest of the season’s bloggers make huge leaps of faith in their own lives has been inspiring. I wanted to live my life in a way that would inspire the same thirst for boldness I saw in the other women’s stories. I am so grateful to have been associated with this season, Molly, Katie, and the whole Stratejoy tribe. As Laura said yesterday:
Being a part of this tribe has meant belonging a whole new world – one where looking inward, having balls, speaking up, and admitting we’re scared is par for the course. That world has brought me comfort, joy, inspiration, knowledge, and tools for self lovin’ and honest livin’. Its like one big authenticity orgy.
Thank you for being a part of my journey. I hope you’ll stay in touch, you wouldn’t want to miss adorable baby pictures would you? (@habbala)
All the Love in the World,