Grappling with affluence of self


Grappling With Affluence Of Self

In the early morning hours — long before anyone else is awake in the house that I grew up in — I am imbued with a wild energy. As a bipolar, mania is something I’m accustomed to. As a teenager, I found myself in manic spurts more than a few times where I would go-go-go for days on end before collapsing into a puddle of goo and sleep for countless more.

This energy is different.

It’s… malleable. Changing. Flowing. Unyielding.

The morning, which had previously been unwieldy, has become my strange refuge. No one’s around to peek over my shoulder or ask me where a deliverable is or even to check in to say hey. Most people are still asleep (unless they’re in a different time-zone) or are on the way to work. Early has become 7:00 instead of 9:00 (which had previously been 11:00).

Andrea tells me that this wild energy is an essential part of pregnancy. The hands-on mamas that I know channel this energy into preparing the nursery for the arrival of the baby. The traditional-job mamas are trying to get everything tied up before they go on parental leave. And the entrepreneurial mamas like me?

We’re busy trying to polish off projects so that we can take a short break after the baby’s born.

One of my goals for this season is to get my biznez to the point where I can hand over the “keys to the kingdom” before the baby’s born. My methodology? Influence and affluence. Wild energy — this affluence and flow — is integral to me actually getting there. I know that affluence can often be thought of as cash flow and although cash is important (who doesn’t need a few more dollahs here and there?), it’s the flow of my self that will either make or break my itty biznez.

I’m a control freak.

There, I said it.

My name is Amanda Farough and I am a hopeless control freak.

I have a distinct inability to follow orders without question (which makes me very unemployable) and I have to have either complete or partial control over every biznez situation, otherwise I get nervous that no one will do their damn jobs.

I think this is residual feelings from when I was in high school and university: team projects were always the worst. There was always one person who ended up doing everything for the project and guess who that person was? Oh yes, it was the control freak. Not the slacker or the sheep. Nope, it was the control freak that worked thirty hours a week at Staples and still did a full course load that managed to get stuck with the majority of the code.

And while I don’t have an allergy to collaboration and/or coopertition, I do have an allergy to letting someone else run the show.

Why make this a goal for an entire season, though?

Because it’s hard.

For me, knowing that my biz is potentially going to be out of my hands while I figure out what I’m doing as a mama is potentially more terrifying than the actual baby-having (and I had quite the meltdown about that… well, let’s be real, I’ve had a couple of meltdowns about that). What if something goes wrong? What if a client needs me? What if my partial replacement is better than me at my job and all my clients jump ship?

And, as I’ve said, losing control is far more terrifying than giving it up willingly. Sadly, it’s the “giving it up willingly” that is often more difficult than the “losing”. I start playing the “what-if” game and there are no winners in that.

The other part of my control freak self that tends to hinder my delegation tactics is trust. Not trust that my people aren’t amazing at what they do; trusting them to actually get it done on time and on budget. These are professionals, damn it. They know what they’re doing. Most of whom are a bit older than me so they’ve got their shit together (usually far better than I do). I get caught in the corner, desperately trying not to panic about deadlines, and hoping that my control freak nature won’t kick in and just say, “Screw it, I’ma do this my way.”

I am not an expert in everything.

Damn it, I have to learn to let go.

With this wild energy, I finally have the chance to sweep those pieces up and let them fly where they must. My people will do their thing. They’re amazing. I do trust them and I trust in their process. With parenthood will come the need for me to let things slide off my shoulders. Taking on too much, worrying all the time, and never getting shit done is an excellent combination for self destruction.

My personal flow — this affluence of self — is my biggest obstacle to overcome in the next month or so. Baby’s almost here (I’m eight months along) and I’ve gotta get this figured.

A girl’s gotta know: how do you get the hell out of your own way so that you can take a breather (either in life or in biznez)?

Photo by aselundblad

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