I am equal parts excited and pumped with a nice streak of freaking-completely-out thrown in there for good measure. Completely normal, right?
When Mr. A and I first started talking about the future I told him that I was terrified of marriage. Being a mother seemed like second nature, but marriage scared me. What if I mess it up?
On the one hand, I’ve seen my mom go though two divorces. I was eight when my parents divorced. There was anger, sadness, depression, and lots of yelling (I still do not respond well to yelling); my brother and I were caught in the crossfire. My Dad never fully recovered from the divorce. For the past 20 years he’s never really dated. I don’t think he believes in love or marriage anymore. His heart was broken so severely he was never able to figure out how to open himself up again. Marriages fall apart all the time, and some people never ever recover from it. I don’t want that to happen to me. Divorce is not an option.
On the other hand I’ve seen real love and lasting marriages. My Grandparents have been married for 35 years and my Grandpa calls my Grams his soul mate. After all this time, his eyes still sparkle when he talks about her. He will tell anyone who will listen how lucky he got when she agreed to marry him. I have Aunts and Uncles who’ve gone though very real ups-and-downs and refused to give up on their marriages. I’ve seen people fight for their marriages and succeed. I hope that my marriage has the same endurance and fortitude.
Mr. A and I know that this is the easy part. Falling in love with him and marrying him tomorrow will be as natural to me as breathing. I know that we will have times that are really hard though. My favorite line from The Notebook has prepared me well:
So it’s not gonna be easy. It’s gonna be really hard. We’re gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day.
I am going into this knowing one thing for certain: we are going to fuck it up. We are going to fight and have issues that seem unresolvable. We will both have moments where we act out of selfishness and spite. We will say things more out of anger that we know will hurt the other person. We will probably go to bed exhausted and angry more than once. We will lose our way at times and have to walk through the darkness to get back to each other.
If we’re lucky we’ll look back at our marriage in forty years knowing that we always found our way back to each other. We will see the rough patches, but we’ll also see the relief we both felt when we’ve navigated successfully though. If I’m lucky Mr. A’s eyes will still dance when he talks about me and I will still tell people how no one have ever made me feel more loved and secure than he does. If we’re lucky we will have a life full of laughter and happiness that far outweighs the tears and heartache that are sure to come. If we’re lucky we’ll never ever give up on each other and this marriage that we’re starting tomorrow. If we’re lucky our child will make a speech at our 50th wedding anniversary confirming that we modeled real love for him/her. If we’re lucky.
Wish me luck tribe; luck and a ton of love, grace, and determination. We’re having a super tiny wedding tomorrow, but if we were having a huge ceremony I would have wanted this to be read. It’s my prayer for our marriage.
You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.