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Big Things Part 2: A Baby

This picture still makes me speechless. There’s a baby coming. Mr. A and I are having a baby, starting a family, going “all in” in every way imaginable.  Someone hold me.

Four weeks ago tomorrow, I was at home and I had picked up a pregnancy test to rule out pregnancy.  I had started new birth control and I was sure that’s why I missed a period (the nausea I had been feeling was purely mental, obviously)… but I wanted to be sure.  I had a friend in town and a plan of drinking champagne all weekend.  I needed to be sure.

Positive.  It was positive and I was in shock. I think I nervous laughed.  I didn’t think it was funny.  I did not know what my next steps should be.  So I did what any self-respecting girl would do, I called my best friend.

When I told her I was pregnant she yelled “CONGRATULATIONS!!!”  I yelled back “ARE YOU INSANE?  WHAT KIND OF RESPONSE IS THAT?!”  Celebrating did not feel right.  Terror felt right.  I tried to call Mr. A, but he wasn’t answering his phone.  I told my friend that I would be back in a while, shoved two positive pregnancy tests into my bag, and drove straight to Mr. A’s house.

I don’t know if I was capable of any rational thoughts as I was driving the 15 minutes to his house.  I was numb.  I was afraid it was not going to go well.  I told myself that his initial reaction was not his entire reaction, I had to give him time to process too. I braced myself for the impact.  I stayed numb so I wouldn’t feel disappointed if his response was not “ideal” (Whatever ideal was).

When I got to his house, I walked into his room and he was reading on his bed; obviously surprised to see me.

“You weren’t answering your phone” I said.

“Oh, sorry, it’s over on the dresser.  What’s up?” He asked.

I sat on the edge of the bed shaking and unable to look at him in the eyes.  “Well, you know how I hadn’t gotten my period?  I took a pregnancy test…” and I pushed the two positive tests to him.

He looked at them, at me, back at them, back at me.  He was in shock too.  I held my breath and waited.

Then, in a flash, he was next to me and his hands were holding my face in his hands. “I love you Bri.  I love you so much.  We will figure this out, we will get through this.  I love you so much.”  That’s when the tears came.  I cried and he held me.  That night all we resolved was that we loved each other and that we would figure it out together.

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Almost four weeks later, we have more figured out.

We love each other immensely.  We both want this baby.  This baby is going to be surrounded by more people that love him/her than I can count.  This baby is going to grow up knowing his/her parents are in love with each other.  We are pretty sure we’re insane for doing this all, especially so soon, but sometimes that’s the way life goes.  Sometimes we have panicked moments, but we’re learning the more we rely on each other the less power the fear has on us.  We are stronger together than we are separate.

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.
Ambrose Redmoon

Besides, when we’re afraid we just hold on to each other and keep walking.  The light won’t be that far off, we just have to have a little faith and keep moving forward.

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