The Loneliness
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The Loneliness


Lately, I would describe my energy as manic.  That’s what happens when this girl, generally energetic and joyful, tries to fake happiness. My energy becomes frantic, anxious, insecure, and disconnected.  I do not feel like myself at all.  While I wish the culprit could be something external like “working too much” or “not enough sleep, too much coffee” I have to admit that’s not what’s going on right now.

Instead I need to come clean about something; I don’t particularly like myself right now.  Instead of the independent and confident woman I’ve been aiming for, I am full-on in a period of loneliness and insecurity.  The last thing I’ve wanted to do this week is sit with alone and be real with myself.  I have been completely and frantically avoiding myself.

Ugh.  Running from yourself is exhausting.

I’ve known that if I stopped for too long enough I would have to deal with the annoying reemergence of loneliness and insecurity.   I am frustrated that I am still dealing with these dark places.  I have dealt with a ton of the broken-heart messes. In fact I feel like so much of my energy has been dedicated to dealing with my broken pieces. Then here comes loneliness and insecurity, again.  I hate it.

If I’m honest, I could admit that I haven’t ever been a huge fan of the loneliness. Instead of learning how to be comfortable alone, I hid in a not-so-great-for-me relationship (Genius move).  Instead of finding my validation from within, like I KNOW I am supposed to be doing, I sought validation in another person; a person who wasn’t actually all that nice to me to begin with.

Take away life lesson?  If you don’t deal with your baggage, your baggage goes and recruits it’s homies (big burly homies with baseball bats) to come rough you up a little bit.  In other words, I have to deal with this mess eventually and it appears that the day of reckoning has arrived.

So now I  dive in to dealing with the broken pieces again. The first step is going to be to stop being so hard on myself that I am at this place of loneliness.  It has to be ok to have bad patches; I just need to remind myself that the dark places are when change happens.

For the loneliness, I am going to connect back up with myself.  Find all the little nuggets in me that make me proud and sparkley.  I am going to remind myself of the great parts of me until the idea of spending time alone doesn’t make me uncomfortable.  I am going to do the things that make me feel comfortable in this body.  I have a half-marathon in June, training starts now.

As this process continues, I can stop avoiding the Joy Equation prompts piling up in my inbox.  I don’t need to wait to figure things out before I FIGURE THINGS OUT. That doesn’t even make any sense.  The Joy Equation’s first step is connecting with myself, and that has been scaring the hell out of me.

It may not be easy but I am worth it. I know that spending this time with myself is going to be the guarantee that in six months I will not be in the same place I am today.  Forward movement is the goal; movement toward a life that I have set on fire.

[photo credit: hipposrunsuperfast]

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