Trust me. I Know What I Want.


Trust me. I Know What I Want.

I’ve decided not to decide.  I’ve planned to not make plans.  It is contrary to my nature and I have to remind myself every day, but I am open to whatever comes.  Or doesn’t come.  I am saying yes.

Y’all already know how the Universe (or God or whatever you want to call the force that is greater than you & me) laughs in the face of the very-well-thought-out-and-detailed plans that I make.  How I was all ready to take a two-month drive cross-country to move in with my Mom in DC when I got a part in a movie.  “Ha ha,” the Universe said, “deal with that, sucka!”  I don’t think I went into much detail about how I raged against this change of plans for a while.  How a (very silent) part of me wished I’d never been cast so I could just go ahead and leave and get on with my life.  How it felt like the past had reached out and grabbed me by the collar, jerking me back into possibilities I’d moved on from.

But in all of this, I have made a conscious decision to trust.  When I wanted to jump in my car and drive away because, “three lines isn’t enough to change my life over,” I trusted and I stayed, and three lines turned into five, turned into 12, turned into two scenes and the introduction of an important plot point.  When I was sick and tired of sleeping on couches (because, oh yeah, did I tell you I was homeless for three weeks during filming?) and felt like it was impossible to find a nice place to rent in my price range without having to sign a lease, I trusted, and a friend of a friend offered me a cheap, great, month-to-month room.  The Universe may laugh at my plans, but it’s a jolly, parental laugh; when I trust, I’m taken care of.

So, the other day, when a good friend sent me details of the Jet Blue All-You-Can-Jet pass ($500 for unlimited flights all September – sorry, chicas, it’s now sold out) saying, “I’m sorry to send you a temptation but this is just so you,” I bypassed the part of my brain that whined, “I can’t,” and thought maybe…   Trusting.  And when my aunt & uncle emailed me the same day, desperate for someone to pet- and house-sit for them in Virginia, I thought maybe I can…  Trusting, trusting.  And when a new friend told me she needed a place to stay for the month of September and could she maybe sublease my room, well, then I just threw up my hands and said “yes!”  It all fell into place so ridiculously easily.

It is amazing what can happen when you expect nothing and are open to everything.

Despite my tentative plan to give LA two months, the Universe has guffawed me in a whole new direction.  I’ll be traveling for the next 6 weeks.  I’ll be visiting a lot of the friends I had planned to see during my road trip, and I’ll be seeing a lot of cities I’ve been wanting to check out.  Places I’ve been told are so me.  And since I am open to every possible possibility, who knows what I might discover on this trip.

This period of my life has been scary.  It’s tough being 29 and watching my friends settle into jobs and find love and start families, while I don’t know when my next paycheck is coming or where I might be living next month, and I’m going through all this indecision alone.  But, at the same time, I have a freedom and an independence I’ve never felt before.  Wherever my life takes me, I know I will be better for this QLC and this time of, well, honestly… selfishness.  I’m allowing myself this time to discover my best life.

Right now, I am sitting in the Raleigh North Carolina airport waiting for a flight to DC.  I just saw two friends who are absolutely perfect for each other get married, danced my ass off, drank my face off, and laughed so much and so loud that I lost my voice.  Seriously.

Oh, and speaking of, Universe, I’m laughing with you now.

[photo taken by me!]

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