I gotta be honest with y’all, I’m having a really hard time writing this post. Even though I’ve been incredibly open in my last three posts, this, somehow, makes me feel more naked. I have to tell you my dreams – dreams I’ve wanted since I knew how to dream, dreams I’d thought were dead and then were rekindled, dreams I’ve recently discovered I have. I find myself gauging your reactions – will you think my dreams silly? Stupid? Selfish? Boring? Generic? I’m showing you a little hidden piece of my heart, so please, be kind. Here goes…
I dream of being onstage, with an audience’s adoration roaring in my ears and lights glinting off my eyelashes. Of standing ovations and acceptance speeches. I dream of sitting in a dark theatre and forgetting it’s my face onscreen, sharing a cathartic moment with a group of strangers. I dream of collaboration; long, long days on set or in the wings, knowing we’re making something amazing and working through that giddy sense of exhaustion to an explosion of creativity.
I dream of creating everyday. Of the freedom and discipline in sitting down and writing, every day. I dream of the perfect words to describe a feeling or a place, and the perfect reading of a line. I dream of a book jacket with my name on it. I dream of a paycheck earned in ways that make me feel more alive instead of less than human.
I dream of a home that is mine in a city I love. A home that is cozy and colorful and full of sunshine. One that welcomes laughter, music, and comfortable silence. I dream of an ever-blooming garden with twinkly lights in the trees and cocktail parties in the grass. Of soft puppies and snuggly blankets.
I dream of a big big love. A man who thrills me beyond reason but has all the reasons to justify that thrill. My partner in every sense; balanced in respect, love, trust, and passion. I dream of knowing it’s right beyond all my doubts and fears and stubborn independence. I dream of an ability to communicate honestly and a shared view of life as much more than the white picket fence. Of a marriage where we choose to be together while both retaining our sense of self. I dream of a loving healthy little family that explores together and is not limited by money, location, or outside expectations. I dream of best friends and family being much closer than a plane ride away.
I dream of adventure. Of traveling the world and stepping foot on every continent, in every ocean. I dream of eating with locals and learning languages, of getting lost and proving to myself I can find my way again. I dream of scuba diving caves and wrecks, of stomping grapes and exploring pyramids, of total immersion bringing me totally present in the moment.
I dream of the self-awareness, clarity and balance to pull me through whatever lies ahead, and keep me grateful for the joys in my life. Of self-confidence and complete comfort in my own skin. I dream of eliminating “should” and “settle” from my vocabulary. Of re-cultivating my inner 5-year-old and her imagination. I dream of costume parties and cartwheels through sprinklers on hot days. I dream of goofy grins and laughing till my sides hurt, and then laughing more. I dream of sweet tea and hammocks and watching for shooting stars. I want bubbling, tear-inducing, uncontainable joy.
“Nothing happens unless first we dream.” -Carl Sandburg